What’s different about neurodivergent-affirming couple therapy?
Neurodivergent partners often feel scared to try relationship therapy because they don’t want to be seen as “the problem” in the relationship. And if you've experienced people reacting negatively to how you feel or act because you're neurodivergent, this fear makes a lot of sense. Neurodivergence can often become the scapegoat in couples’ arguments—whether to criticize the other (“This would be easier if you weren’t Autistic”) or to self-blame (“If I didn’t have ADHD, I would be a better partner”).
One of my priorities in neurodivergent-affirming couple therapy is to distinguish between what you’re not able to control or change and what you can. For example, you probably can’t just decide to “be less sensitive” emotionally, or to not get overstimulated during a conflict. But we can change how you and your partner respond to each other when those things are showing up.
This often starts with accepting the influence of neurodivergence within your relationship. Neurodivergence is not going away, even if you are learning to manage its impact on you. You might also see it as a part of you and your identity. If we can accept that it is as much a part of the relationship as you are, we can learn to work with it and welcome it into the room.
Sometimes a neurodivergent partner feels frustrated with themself and takes on the blame, because they feel like their neurodivergence makes it harder to communicate the way they want to. Or they think they’re communicating one thing, but their partner is interpreting something totally different. It can feel like a huge gap between each of you. And the instinct might be to blame the neurodivergence, which in turn blames the neurodivergent partner. In reality, there are almost always ways to bridge that gap. It requires us to tune into the role neurodivergence plays in your communication patterns, and attend to the needs that it might present.
Examples of what this might look like:
Establishing clear and explicit expectations for a social plan, including naming details that might seem “obvious” (“We’ll stick around for a bit after dinner.”—How long is “a bit?” What are you each picturing? How do you handle it if one of you wants to leave early?)
Creating a shared understanding of what nonverbal communications typically mean for each of you (When one of you is struggling with holding eye contact, does that mean you’re overstimulated? When one of you is fidgeting with your hair during a fight, does that mean you’re anxious and need a break?)
Increasing awareness of your physical and sensory needs and how that impacts your ability to communicate (Does a fidget toy help you stay regulated during a conflict? Are you more able to get in touch with your emotions after you’ve eaten; during the morning or evening; while multitasking?)
Understanding how experiences related to neurodivergence as a child might influence your emotions in response to your partner (If you were often punished in school because of your ADHD, you might sometimes fear “getting in trouble” with your partner even if your relationship is overall secure and safe.)
Identifying each of your neurodivergence-related needs and how best to support each other’s coping strategies (When your partner is stuck in an OCD mental loop, how can you support them without reinforcing a reassurance compulsion? When you’re experiencing Autistic burnout, what is your partner’s role in you recovering?)
When we acknowledge and welcome neurodivergence in the couple therapy process, it can lead us to deeper and more genuine connection in your relationship. It gives us opportunities to create a sense of ease, acceptance, and security in your relationship that you may have never fully experienced together before.
If you’d like to try new ways of communicating and connecting in your relationship that honor your neurodivergence, I’d love to support you and gently guide the process.
